The ADHD Smarter Parenting’s Podcast
Ep #68: Following through with consequences with Jonathan Mendoza

Ep #68: Following through with consequences with Jonathan Mendoza

February 12, 2020

One of the hardest things for most parents is following through with consequences. Parents have difficulty following through with consequences for several reasons. They forgot. They had no intention of ever following through (and the kid knows it). They choose a consequence that is unrealistic for them too do.

Jonathan Mendoza from Catholic Charities in Hawaii talking about the importance of Following Instructions and consequences for kids with ADHD. Children with ADHD struggle to connect their actions with positive or negative behavior, so parents need to focus on teaching cause and effect, and that’s done by rewarding good behavior or being consistent in following through with consequences.

When parents are consistent in rewarding behavior or following through with consequences, it helps a child connect their actions with the outcome. The behavior skill of Following Instructions is a great way to help a child learn how to connect their behavior to outcomes. 

We recommend that when parents start teaching Following Instructions, they begin small. Give your child small tasks that they need to accomplish. If they finish the job, immediately give them a little reward. The reward can be things like words of praise, a hug or high five, a sticker, or a small piece of candy. If the child doesn’t follow the instruction, immediately give them a consequence. The consequence could be something like losing playtime or tablet time, earning an extra chore, or timeout. What rewards or consequences you give your child will be different as you know what will work best for your child and your situation.

When a child has mastered Following Instructions for little things, it is easier for them to do it with big things.

It can be hard to be consistent in giving consequences or rewards, but it will make such a difference in your family. When you are consistent your child views you as fair and someone they can trust. 

To learn the behavior skills on Smarter Parenting visit: https://www.smarterparenting.com/lesson/

For more information about how Smarter Parenting uses the Teaching-Family Model, visit the episode podcast page on SmarterParenting.com https://www.smarterparenting.com/adhd-parenting-podcast/

If you are looking for specific help in knowing when to teach behavioral skills, sign up for a free 15-minute Parenting Coaching mini-session: https://www.smarterparenting.com/coaching/

Ep #67: Consistency creates change

Ep #67: Consistency creates change

February 10, 2020

Lasting change in behavior doesn’t just happen. Creating lasting change is not a quick-fix. Change requires a parent to be consistent over and over as consistency creates change. When changing a child’s behavior, remember that small, daily improvements lead to long-term success. 

Success in parenting requires parents to take an honest look at their strengths and weaknesses. For most parents, success will come when they can focus on their strengths and know what they can realistically do. Setting goals that you won’t be able to follow through creates frustration for you and your child and will put a strain on your relationship.

If you set goals that are dependent on your child doing a specific behavior every time, you’re destined to be frustrated and not find success. When setting goals, parents should always focus on setting goals for things they can control. You may not be able to control how your child will react, but you can control what you will do. 

When focusing on things to change, start with one behavior. Once you and your child has mastered that behavior, then add another behavior. The first change usually takes the longest for your child to implement, so don’t give up if the change isn’t happening as quickly as you’d like. Each change you implement after the first will be easier for you and your child. 

We won’t be perfect parents, but we can be consistent parents in changing a child’s behavior. Success is not having your child behave the way you want them to act; success is being able to follow through every time no matter how your child reacts. 

When you are consistent, it tells your child that they matter as the child doesn’t have to “guess” at they’ll get in trouble for or what they won’t. Consistency will help you and your child build a healthy relationship. Being consistent also prepares them to navigate the world without your help as it shows them that the world has rules that need to be followed.

To learn the behavior skills on Smarter Parenting visit: https://www.smarterparenting.com/lesson/

For more information about how Smarter Parenting uses the Teaching-Family Model, visit the episode podcast page on SmarterParenting.com https://www.smarterparenting.com/adhd-parenting-podcast/

If you are looking for specific help in knowing when to teach behavioral skills, sign up for a free 15-minute Parenting Coaching mini-session: https://www.smarterparenting.com/coaching/

Ep #66: Knowing when to teach behavioral skills

Ep #66: Knowing when to teach behavioral skills

February 5, 2020

One of the biggest mistakes parents make in teaching behavioral skills is when they are teaching them. When a child or parent is upset, frustrated, or angry, that is the worst time for parents to be teaching a new behavior skill. If parents continually insist on teaching at times when a child isn't calm, it can damage the relationship.

If you want your child to get the most out of your teaching, parents need to be teaching at a neutral time. A neutral time means a time when you or your child aren't distracted, a time when they are calm and able to learn. Teaching behavior skills is all about helping kids learn and grow, and when you teach at a neutral time, you are encouraging them to find success. You show that you are concerned about what is happening in their life, which strengthens the relationship.

When teaching a new behavior skill, we recommend that parents teach the behavior skill long before it will be a problem and then Role-play with their child until they can do it on their own. By practicing it over and over until they are comfortable, your child understands what they need to do and has confidence they can do it.

For example, if your child has difficulty putting away their toys before bed, don't teach them the skill at bedtime. Instead, practice the skill with them multiple times throughout the day and showing them precisely what they need to do at bedtime by modeling what they need to do. Or, if they have difficulty turning off their video game, don't start teaching them to turn off their game when they are in the middle of a game. Instead, practice with them at a time when they aren't distracted by the game.

For things that are difficult for a child to do, it never hurts to reward a child for practicing. If they practice picking up their toys, they can earn five more minutes of playtime at bedtime. Or if they practice turning off their game, they can receive extra playtime.

When teaching our children, it's helpful to self-evaluate where we are. If we are feeling stressed or overwhelmed, we won't be effective in our teaching. Have you ever come home from work and see a backpack on the table instead of on a hook and get incredibly frustrated? It happens, and parents need to find things that allow them to bring their stress levels down before addressing the issue. It could be taking a walk or counting to ten. Then, once we are calm, we can better address the situation and to teach our child.

Children feel our stress and frustration and often respond in kind. On the other hand, if we are calm, our children will model that behavior.

The goal of teaching behavioral skills is changing a child's behavior to help them navigate the world without our help. Teaching at a neutral time will help you achieve this goal.

To learn the behavior skills on Smarter Parenting visit: https://www.smarterparenting.com/lesson/

For more information about how Smarter Parenting uses the Teaching-Family Model, visit the episode podcast page on SmarterParenting.com https://www.smarterparenting.com/adhd-parenting-podcast/

If you are looking for specific help in knowing when to teach behavioral skills, sign up for a free 15-minute Parenting Coaching mini-session: https://www.smarterparenting.com/coaching/

Ep #65: Rewarding kids when they Follow Instructions with Hawa Dogbey

Ep #65: Rewarding kids when they Follow Instructions with Hawa Dogbey

February 3, 2020

When parents reward kids when the Follow Instructions, they encourage their child to repeat the behavior. 

Rewarding a child doesn’t have to be costly or involved. Sometimes the most effective rewards are one-on-one time with mom or dad, getting a hug or high five, or choosing a family activity.

Different rewards will motivate different kids, and those rewards will change as the child gets older. 

We always recommend involving kids in rewards as it allows them to know you’re focused on building the relationship sometimes though kids can ask for rewards that don’t match the behavior or aren’t things that parents can do. 

As a parent, you can help guide them to rewards that would work. Have them write out a list of rewards they would like. Then decided what rewards you think are doable. It may take a bunch of back and forth to get to rewards that both you and your child think are fair. 

Different kids may want a different reward on different days for the same behavior. Having a list of three or four rewards they can choose from is helpful as it reduces discussion and makes it easier to follow through.

Teaching kids to Follow Instructions is such an important part of helping children learn to navigate the world. 

To learn more about Following Instructions visit: https://www.smarterparenting.com/lesson/view/following-instructions/

To learn more about the agencies worldwide that are using the Teaching-Family Model visit: https://www.teaching-family.org/

For more information about how Smarter Parenting uses the Teaching-Family Model, visit the episode podcast page on SmarterParenting.com https://www.smarterparenting.com/adhd-parenting-podcast/

Ep #64: Increasing teaching opportunities

Ep #64: Increasing teaching opportunities

January 29, 2020

Increasing our teaching interactions means that we are both teaching new behavior skills and reinforcing those skills that have already been taught. 

If we only teach behavior skills but don’t show our kids how to use those skills in their everyday situations, they won’t be effective. They need to learn how to apply what they have learned when they are upset, frustrated, or happy.

Teaching opportunities apply to every member of the family. While we may be teaching a specific behavior to one child, we should be helping all members of the family deal/cope/or help with that behavior skill. We may be teaching one child to reduce negative behaviors while preparing the rest of the family to use Effective Communication to describe how those negative behaviors make them feel. 

The more parents can involve all members of the family in teaching and using skills; the more successful your child will be.

For more information about how Smarter Parenting uses the Teaching-Family Model, visit the episode podcast page on SmarterParenting.com

https://www.smarterparenting.com/adhd-parenting-podcast/

Sign-up for a free 15-minute ADHD Smarter Parenting Coaching mini-session: https://www.smarterparenting.com/adhd-parenting-podcast/

Help the ADHD Smarter Parenting Podcast continue. Donate today! https://www.smarterparenting.com/donate-now/

Ep #63: Parenting skills are essential

Ep #63: Parenting skills are essential

January 27, 2020

Raising kids today has its challenges, which is why Parenting Skills are essential. Parenting Skills give parents and kids the tools they need to navigate the world around them successfully.

Parents face different challenges than previous generations. There are more pressures when it comes to school, work, and family, and many parents know that there is needs to be a better way to raise their kids than how they were raised.

Parenting Skills found on Smarter Parenting help families work together to build a strong connection and to solve problems. Parenting Skills help parents teach their children to make better decisions, prevent problems, give praise, and improve communication. 

Parenting skills prepare kids for being adults and work for children of all ages and are adaptable as your children grow. Putting effort in when your children are little, will provide returns as your child grows.

We have a parental responsibility to reach out and to get the help we need. If you need assistance, we invite you to find help. Our Parenting Coaching process will allow you to talk to a coach who can give your family precise information tailored to your family. We also invite you to visit SmarterParenting.com and learn the parenting skills of the Teaching-Family Model.

If you want a better relationship with your child, you have to learn Parenting Skills. They are crucial for establishing trust and building strong bonds. 

For Parenting Skills visit: https://www.smarterparenting.com/lesson/

For a free 15-minute Parenting Coach session, visit: https://www.smarterparenting.com/coaching/

Ep #62: Teaching to behaviors instead of reacting

Ep #62: Teaching to behaviors instead of reacting

January 22, 2020

When negative behaviors happen, parents have a choice. They can teach to the behavior, or they can react.

When a parent reacts, they are swayed by the child and their emotions. Parents get pulled into their child’s tantrum or bad behavior. As the child continually increases their negative behavior, parents have to increase their response, escalating the situation.

When a parent teaches to negative behavior, they are the ones to guide the child. You can remain consistent and not be drawn into your child’s tantrum. Instead of escalating the situation, you can help them deescalate the situation.

Teaching, instead of reacting, requires a parent to be aware of their limits and knowing at what point they will step in to deescalate the situation. The lower your tolerance for behaviors is, the better off your child will be as it’s easier to step in and make correcting when the behavior is small versus stepping in when the behavior is massive.

The behavior skill of Smarter Parenting and the Teaching-Family Model allow you to teach to any situation as they give you the steps--and the words--parents need to reduce behaviors, so they can teach. You can find more about the behavior skills of Smarter Parenting by listening to podcasts 46-57 or by visiting the Smarter Parenting website.

Having behavior tools at your disposal is comforting as it allows you to remain in control.

If you’re having difficulty understanding what behavior skill to use in what situation, we invite you to sign-up for a free 15-minute ADHD parenting coaching mini-session. In this mini-session, we will be able to help you apply the skills to your specific situation and come up with solutions that will help your child.

For more show notes and transcript, visit the episode podcast page on SmarterParenting.com https://www.smarterparenting.com/adhd-parenting-podcast/

Sign-up for a free 15-minute ADHD Smarter Parenting Coaching mini-session: https://www.smarterparenting.com/adhd-parenting-podcast/

Help the ADHD Smarter Parenting Podcast continue. Donate today! https://www.smarterparenting.com/donate-now/

Ep #61: Using Following Instructions in daily routines with Kurt Furhman

Ep #61: Using Following Instructions in daily routines with Kurt Furhman

January 20, 2020

In Episode 61, ADHD Parenting Coach, Siope Kinikini talks with Kurt Furnham from Thornwell in South Carolina about how he teaches the behavior skill of Following Instructions and the importance of Following Instructions.

Thornwell is part of the Teaching-Family Association and uses the Teaching-Family Model in their residential and in-home programs.

In all of the Teaching-Family Association programs, teaching Following Instructions will be one of the first skills a child or family learn. If a child is not able to Follow Instructions, they will not be successful with the other behavior skills as all include an element of Following Instructions.

Getting kids to Follow Instructions seems is essential as they will use this skill for their whole life. They will use it when they cook a recipe, assemble a piece of furniture, do a project at work, or go through airport security. Once mastered Following Instructions become a regular part of our day.

Kurt Fulhman talks about what he has found to be successful in teaching Following Instructions to dysfunctional populations.

His first recommendation is to make it part of the daily routine and daily expectations. Following Instructions can be incorporated into chores, schedules, family traditions, meals, homework, etc. Even getting dressed can involve Following Instructions. Creating daily routines that include Following Instructions will decrease frustration and increase closeness.

Second, when incorporating Following Instructions into your daily routine, don’t make it too complicated. Start with small tasks and by giving short instructions. When a child has mastered that, continue to add additional jobs and directions.

Third, children who have never had to Follow Instructions may want to power struggle or argue. The advice: disengage until they can follow the instructions. Disengaging will allowing them to see the importance of Following Instructions and that Following Instructions benefits them.

For more information about Following Instructions, visit: https://www.smarterparenting.com/lesson/view/following-instructions/

Ep #60: Moving from consequences to rewards

Ep #60: Moving from consequences to rewards

January 15, 2020

When giving Effective Negative Consequences, there are things that parents should never use as these are basic rights that children are entitled too. They are common sense things but include access to healthy foods, clothing, education, safety, shelter, and sleep.

When giving effective consequences, it’s essential to make sure you are not infringing on their rights. Taking away fundamental rights will create considerable problems in your relationships and could have other, unforeseen, consequences.

There are things that kids would like to tell you are basic rights that aren’t. Access to cell phones, video games, computer time, time with friends, use of the car, fancy clothing, or junk food are not basic rights. Those things are privileges and absolutely could be used as an Effective Negative Consequence.

This means you can’t withhold dinner, which is a basic right, but you could withhold a dessert or treat as those aren’t basic rights.

When making Consequences Effective, it’s important to use the five components of the behavior skill of Effective Negative Consequences. We discussed the five components in Episode #55.  We discussed the five components of Effective Positive Rewards in Episode #56. Review those podcasts if you need help making rewards or consequences effective.

While Effective Negative Consequences are valid and needed, parents will find that Effective Positive Rewards is more powerful in increasing positive behavior.

Every time a parent gives a child a consequence, they are creating a divide between their themself and their child. Shifting from a negative mind frame (Effective Negative Consequences) to a positive mind frame (Effective Positive Rewards) will be more beneficial in increasing positive behavior.

Effective Positive Rewards shows a child what they can gain by behaving a certain way, and that is much more powerful than what they could lose.

For example, if your child struggles with doing their homework, telling them they could earn 30 minutes of screen time is more effective than saying they’d lose 30 minutes of screen time.

Effective Positive Rewards helps a child take ownership of their behavior, especially if they have a say in what rewards they can earn.

Many parents have found our free Behavior Contract to be effective in giving child ownership of their behavior as it spells out the four rewards or the one consequence a child could earn.

It will take an effort to move from a mind-frame of consequences to rewards, but we promise that it will be worth the effort. 

For questions about making rewards or consequences effective in your situation, sign-up for a free 15-minute ADHD Parenting Coaching mini-session.

Sign-up for a free 15-minute ADHD Smarter Parenting Coaching mini-session: https://www.smarterparenting.com/adhd-parenting-podcast/

Help the ADHD Smarter Parenting Podcast continue. Donate today! https://www.smarterparenting.com/donate-now/

Ep #59: The ADHD Smarter Parenting Coaching process

Ep #59: The ADHD Smarter Parenting Coaching process

January 13, 2020

Understanding the ADHD Parenting Coaching process helps parents understand the value they receive from a free 15-minute ADHD Coaching session: https://www.smarterparenting.com/adhd-parenting-podcast/

An ADHD parenting session is all about helping parents find tailored solutions for the behavior challenges their family is facing. Is your family struggling with communication and misunderstandings? Is your family deal with defiance or anger? Is your family grappling with a lack of trust or respect?

No matter what issue you want to fix, a lot can be accomplished in a free 15-minute session.

Once a parent signs-up for a parenting coaching session, they’ll receive a questionnaire about issues they are dealing with. This allows Parenting Coach Siope Kinikini to come up with three to four parenting techniques using the behavioral skills of the Teaching-Family Model.

A Parenting Coaching session is not to shame you or to make you feel hopeless in your ability. It’s just the opposite. Using behavioral skills for families gives parents hope and confidence, they can heal and elevate their family.

Signing-up for a free 15-minute, ADHD Parenting Coaching mini-session sessions will be the best thing you do today. https://www.smarterparenting.com/adhd-parenting-podcast/

Help the ADHD Smarter Parenting Podcast continue. Donate today! https://www.smarterparenting.com/donate-now/